I have been missing from this blog for a long time, too long. I need to get back to writing. I have been aware of this almost the whole time I have been without writing, but life has gotten complicated, and somehow, I lost the discipline of coming here and writing for my few, but faithful, readers :)
Anyway, just wanted to say that I'm making an effort of getting back on track, starting with this short post.
I remember a long time ago (almost feels like a lifetime ago), when during a prayer service at the church where I grew up in, I asked for prayer, because I wanted God to give me the "gift of faith". I wasn't even sure what that meant (still unsure), but I had read the following passage, and that had somehow made an impression.
To one there is given through the Spirit the message of wisdom, to another the message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit... (1 Cor. 12:8-9 NIV)
I have always been a weird mix of skepticism, curiosity, and child-like faith. Sometimes I close my eyes and trust God (or people) wholeheartedly, but most times... Faith is a challenge for me. I often go back to that adolescent prayer and wonder if maybe my struggles with faith somehow stem from that prayer. You know, how they say that if you ask for patience, you will only get troubles? Well, maybe the same applies for when you ask for faith. You get doubt in exchange.
The thing, though, is that ultimately, I feel that receiving the 'gift of faith' might mean just that... The strength to keep on believing, even in the middle of doubt and mistakes and disillusions. Sometimes I feel that God has failed me, yet I keep on believing. Most days I feel like I have failed God one too many times, yet somehow... within me, something blossoms and I keep on believing. I see the good and the evil in this world, and so many questions arise that I ask myself, "Why do I insist on this faith?", yet... For some reason that goes beyond my comprehension, faith clings to me, it doesn't let me go, it makes me try once again.
The gift of faith?
I think I might have gotten the answer to my prayers after all. I am so grateful.
P.S. Not really sure if this makes sense? Not gonna go back and proofread it for fear of erasing it and never posting anything ever again. Promise to keep on trying and writing, if not for any reader, then at least for myself. It really helps.