It’s like I’ve been holding my breath
This is my room
This is my car
This is my furniture
And yet, below the surface
I’m always acutely aware that I am not fully here.
My mind stayed with the bright colors, with the breeze.
And every time the plane touches the ground, I exhale.
This is home.
In spite of everything, this is home.
I wanted wings, I wanted more,
And it’s been fun to play house
And chase these dreams
And spent countless hours trying to belong
In this place of handshakes and polite smiles
And personal space and pastel colors
And soft voices and soft whispers
(where you never really know
what anyone is trying to say)
And I yearn for the sound of honking cars
In the blistering heat
And my sister’s voice yelling at the kids
And the sun that was thunder five minutes ago
I move as fast as I can towards you.
I stop only to catch my breath.
I lie awake at night thinking about you,
Wondering if I will ever make it back to you.
If the dream-turned-sour-turned-reality
Will keep me in an endless loop of ever-moving targets
And I will never touch you.
I miss your smile, your smell, your warmth,
And all that within you is contained:
My nephew’s emerald eyes
My niece’s sideways smile
My father’s embrace
And my sweet sister’s ever-expanding heart.
Can you light a candle for me?
Hold on for me, do not give up on me.
You are everything I have ever wanted,
Wait for me.