Be still

BE HERE NOW from blaine hogan on Vimeo.

Psalm 46:10
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”

Grace

My friend Brian, whom I met on my trip to Philly last year, told me to let him know when I was done reading "Disappointment with God", a really good book by Phillip Yancey. Being that he's one of the 6 or 7 readers of this blog, hehe, I feel compelled to let him know that I finished the book last week. In between getting that done, I had begun reading a bunch of other books, so it took me longer than I expected. My pillow is probably still wet from all that crying on those last few pages. The book is absolutely beautiful.

But to be honest, I've long since given up on those big questions that used distance myself from faith. Why does God allow suffering in the world? Where is he when there's pain? Either I'm at peace with the answers I have for now, or maybe I'm just tired of not finding an answer for them, but either way, those things don't bug me as much lately. Nowadays, I'm not so much disappointed in God as I am in myself. That's a whole new set of impossible questions...

"Why do I constantly make the same mistakes?", "How come I end up hurting the people I love?", "Why are we so broken?"...

It's hard to find answers, or find peace with these ones.

It's like this watch I just bought. I've been wanting it forever. I looked at different watches but always ended up falling in love with this one. It's simple, it has a tree (I'm obsessed with trees), it's made of recycled, eco-friendly materials. What's not to love?

I got it two weeks ago. It also broke two weeks ago. Today I finally got the replacement pieces, and not only were they the wrong color, but I broke another piece while trying to fix it. Sigh. Needless to say, I dropped the project and will retry it tomorrow, with more hours of sleep in my system and more coffee and patience and all those things you need to fix small things that are easily broken.

Looks a lot like my life. Trying to fix things that are easily broken. Trying to glue back together pieces, only to find they keep breaking into new fragments. This isn't what I had in mind when my teenager self mindlessly (ignorantly?) prayed for God to 'break me' and 'mold me'. This sort of brokenness is hard. Makes me want to give up and retry tomorrow, or some other time, or some other year.

Confronting myself with the ghosts of my past. Seeing my mistakes for what they are. Not shielding myself in self-pity or ignorance. Knowing that I constantly fail. Honesty. Repentance. Brokenness.

Gives a whole new meaning to grace, huh? The chance to start all over again.

Makes you want to cling with your nails and your teeth to the hope of a second (or a third, or a fourth) chance. Makes you want to risk anything for a new opportunity, a new life. Makes you desperate to believe that all that has ever happened in your life can be used for good, can mean something, can become beautiful. Grace.

Quoting from this really amazing book I've been reading by Phillip Yancey, " When time came to see myself for what I really was... I clung like a drowning man to the promise of grace for people who deserve the opposite. People like me.".

I'm so glad (relieved! thankful! happy!) I've come to know this grace, to experience it in my life. It's the one thing that makes me not go insane thinking about the past, about the "What ifs?". It's the one thing that holds me together in days like today. It makes me smile. Knowing it, savoring it almost makes everything else, all of my past, all the hopelessness and the messiness, worthwhile.

Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see.

So glad to have been half of this healing, powerful, soul-cleansing embrace. Believe me, on the other side of the picture, my face was the same as this friend of mine's. That's grace.

P.S. Love this song about grace. The video is super crappy, and doesn't do the song justice, but I wanted to share it as well.

What doesn't kill you...

Everyone knows the phrase...

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Sometimes I wonder if I want this to be true in my life. After going through some shitty times in the last year, most of which I brought upon myself, I've come to realize that this phrase is kind of true. I am stronger.

But I don't want this newfound strength to mean that I'll now be harsh or insensitive or unfazed by the things that happen around me. Pain sometimes does that to people. Sometimes I am "those people". I no longer want to be like "those people".

What doesn't kill me makes me...

stronger.
more compassionate.
more vulnerable (in new ways).
less vulnerable (to harmful things).
less uptight.
funnier.
smarter.
better.

wiser.

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you, whether you are in love with your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your friends, your kids, your parents, your siblings, your nephews, your nieces, your parents, your dog, your fish, your cat, your pet iguana, whatever makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside, hehe. May you be shielded from feeling lonely or miserable or misunderstood. Better yet, may you find in your loneliness or your miserableness new truths about life, new lessons to be learned. May this day remind you of all that is good and wonderful and worth loving in this world.

What doesn't kill you makes you...wiser. I liked that one.

Current reasons for love and happiness in my life -->

#1 Three-year-old Yirán, my youngest nephew

#2 A great surprise from a true friend!

#3 An amazing night out with my friends on the streets. :)

A long way off...

Currently enjoying "What's so amazing about grace?", from Philip Yancey. If you haven't read it, please check it out.

Re-reading one of my favorite stories out of all the Book, I stumbled across this passage, and it hit me in a different light.

"We risk missing the story's point: that God dispenses gifts, not wages. Non of us gets paid according to merit, for none of us comes close to satisfying God's requirements for a perfect life. In the bottom-line realm of ungrace, some workers deserve more than others; in the realm of grace the word deserve does not even apply." - Phillip Yancey, pg. 62

En anticipación a "Singles Awareness Day", a.k.a. Día de San Valentín

Disclaimer: Estoy escribiendo un montón aquí. Whatever. Tengo que expresarme. Pero seré breve. Sólo quiero compartirle unas cosas que me han hecho pensar mucho...

Un tipo que he aprendido a admirar hace un tiempo dijo esto.

"I would always be frustrated with all those relationships even when I was engaged. I had a ten year thing with this girl and I would often wonder why, even in those most intimate moments of our relationship, I would still feel really lonely. And it was just a few years ago that I finally realized that friendship is not a remedy for loneliness. Loneliness is a part of our experience and if we are looking for relief from loneliness in friendship, we are only going to frustrate the friendship. Friendship, camaraderie, intimacy, all those things, and loneliness live together in the same experience..." - Rich Mullins


Por más rodeada de gente que esté, muchas veces me siento sola. En los momentos en los cuales no he estado soltera, también me siento sola. En medio de eventos familiares, me siento sola. En una fiesta pasándola súper bien, me siento sola. Sabiendo que soy profundamente amada por la gente importante en mi vida, como quiera me siento sola.

Con el tiempo, he llegado a una conclusión. Creo que sentirse así es parte de la experiencia humana.

Eso me enseña varias cosas. Primero, es importante que me conozca. Soy la persona con quien más tiempo pasaré en esta vida, jeje.

Segundo, y quizás más importante, por más rodeada de gente que esté, en mí hay vacíos que jamás serán llenados por la gente, ni por experiencias o logros o cosas. No lo va a llenar una pareja o un amigo o la familia. Es la soledad que se genera a partir de esa cosa hermosa-pero-rota que se llama ser un humano en un planeta donde hay bellezas que nos cortan la respiración y donde hay dolores profundos capaces de desgarrarnos, y donde desconocemos más de lo que jamás vamos a saber. Es esa sensación de que andamos a ciegas por esta vida, sin entender mucho, y sin poder hacer nada para remediarlo. Es ese quebranto de saber que las cosas en esta vida, por más bellas que sean, siempre serán imperfectas. Indefensos, solos, quebrantados.

Pero le he encontrado una opción a eso. Saber que no lo entiendo todo, pero que aún así no me cansaría de intentar conocer. Amar lo bueno, lo puro, lo inquebrantable. Y también amar aún lo roto, lo quebrantado, lo feo. Encontrarle belleza a lo feo. Mirar el dolor a los ojos y sentirlo y experimentarlo, y aún a pesar de eso, seguir teniendo esperanza. Esperanza en que hay más en este mundo de lo que muestra una mirada superficial. Que cuando te detienes y miras bien, debajo de la soledad y el vacío y el quebranto y el dolor que son comunes a la experiencia humana, hay un infinito de misterios, de oportunidades divinas de experimentar belleza y alegría y paz y reconciliación. Con Dios. Con otros. Con la naturaleza. Con uno mismo.

Esto es más grande que yo, más complejo que yo. Pero todo va a estar bien.



Y hay tanto más que les diría al respecto! Pero invítenme a un café y les digo :) Quizás esta canción resume mejor lo que quiero decirles. Por fa, escúchenla

Pico El Toro

La foto es de Papi y yo este wikén en el tope de Pico El Toro, uno de los picos más alto de Puerto Rico :)

So, como les he contado otras veces, mi papá hace hiking y ha subido montañas en muchos sitios de EEUU y el Caribe. Es parte de un grupo de amigos que se auto-proclaman los "Gorrámbulos", un corillo de señores profesionales que aman la naturaleza y caminar. Para mí, persona externa a su grupo, siempre me ha parecido una especie de sociedad secreta, porque todos tienen sus nombres de código y una especie de lenguaje que sólo ellos entienden, jejeje. Mi papá es bien cool.

Anyway, este wikén subimos a Pico El Toro él y yo, y fue maravilloso. Siento que desde que empecé a subir, la vida me hablaba, y reflexioné y aprendí y pensé y oré y medité y procesé un montón de cosas, que pienso compartir pronto. However, esta mañana mientras guiaba a la universidad, me llegó un mensajito que Papi le mandó a los "Gorrámbulos" sobre este fin de semana. Les admito que me arrancó lágrimas el mensajito, así que se los comparto.

Gracias por ese mensaje, Papa. Me hiciste el día :)


"Sahily en pico El Toro ..."

"Mucho lodo ... Tal vez vi lodo de más
Porque caminé esta vez con mi hija
menor ... Pensé equivocadamente
En su fragilidad y me sentí terriblemente
Responsable, como cuando la cogía a los
4 años hace 20 años atrás ....
Pero lo hizo como el mejor scout ... de algunas
de nuestras tropas ... Con energía, con respeto
a la naturaleza ... disfrutando a plenitud
de lo exquisito del entorno ....

La lluvia y el frío... como pocas ocasiones
los pudimos vencer ....
para pasar una experiencia que dejó huellas
profundas en esa maravillosa relación
hija/padre ..."

Love you, Papa.

On building.

Luke 14:28-30
The Message (MSG)




This is scary for me. May I always consider the cost of the things I commit my time and my life to.